Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Revised Intro Graff
As I waited outside in the dark cold night I was going to call it a night.Going to go to my new home here in Bangor, Maine.As I slide into the back of this foreign cab I rattled off the address.The second the cab driver pulled up I knew that this was not the correct address.This place was not an older white apartment.It was a large parking lot with a very long line outside of people waiting to get inside.I'd already paid the driver so I figured go in see whats going on.As I stood outside in line I noticed two things, one I still couldn't understand a word anyone was saying and two my teeth were the only ones chattering.Wrong address yes, adventure yes.And I couldn't wait to get inside.
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This reads like the beginning of a narrative, a story. By the end, the reader has to have a clue about what the essay topic is and right now, we honestly don't. Is it about lousy cab companies, about clubbing, about your new apartment, about being cold, or what?
ReplyDeleteAnd we need some idea that we will be getting three reasons why something happened. That's not there yet either.
So, keep the story but you're not done with this graf yet.